Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Douchebergs

To the uninitiated, it may seem as if all Jews are the same - big nosed and curly-haired, loud and cheap, short in stature and round in shape, horned and dangerous.

In reality though, there are all sorts of Jews. You got your Sephardics and your Ashkenazis. You got your Hasids and your Yahwehs. You got Jews for Jesus (but strangely no Christians for the Jew God). You got the East Coast Jews, you got the West coast Jews. You got the Israelis, you got the Jewbans. got the Douchebergs.

What, you may ask, is a Doucheberg? Well, it's a particular type of Jew, usually found in large American cities, that outwardly embodies the commonly known negative Jewish stereotypes. They are to Hebrews what the Jersey Shore Guidos are to Italians. Quite simply, they're Jewish douchebags.

Before you say I'm the pot calling the kettle kosher, I should acknowledge that I definitely have Doucheberg tendencies. Most of us do. Still, a full-on Doucheberg goes far beyond just complaining all the time and fearing all which is goyish.

Douchebergs are both male and female. Oftentimes, they come from privileged homes, but haven't done anything to earn their privileged status since being born. Other times though, they're middle class, but they do everything they can to act like they're not.

Douchebergs went to Doucheberg colleges (Brandeis, BU, Wisconsin, Michigan, Emory, Miami, etc.), where they were in Doucheberg frats and sororities like Sammy and AEPhi and ZBT and STD [sic]. They proudly play Jewish geography with anyone who will play, like a dog with his new toy.

Douchebergs claim to be very religious. However, they only really practice for business or social purposes. They're like Catholics that go to church just for the wafers and repression. Douchebergs brag about taking off work for the Jewish holidays. They claim to love the Jewish holidays, then kvetch while they're celebrating them (it's too cold in the sukkah, this matzah's stale). Douchebergs shush people at temple. Actually, Douchebergs shush people everywhere.

Doucheberg girls usually have fat asses and no style, but they think they're better looking than skinny, stylish shiksas. They hate shiksas and do everything in their power to orchestrate their demise. Patti Stanger is a Doucheberg. So are the majority of The Real Housewives of New York.

Doucheberg girls are often boring, but think they're interesting or funny. There's a common myth that Jewish women are good in bed. Believe me, I'm the Wilt Chamberlain of Jew-bangers, Doucheberg girls are as boring in bed as they are at the dinner table. And no matter how successful a guy is, they'll shun him if he isn't a lawyer or a doctor.

Doucheberg guys are short, but they think they're tough because they've seen one too many mobster movies. They think that because they look Italian, they are Italian. They're not. Morrie the Wig Salesman from Good Fellas is a Doucheberg. So is Hyman Roth from The Godfather.

Doucheberg guys obsess over stupid shit - filmmaking, comic books, Phish, DMB, reggae, hip-hop (the curls do not make you black), etc. Brett Ratner is a Doucheberg. So is Matisyahu. So is Rick Rubin. Doucheberg guys love pot, which would explain the sudden influx of Doucheberg entrepreneurs in Denver since the sale of medical marijuana has been legalized.

True to form, Douchebergs are cheap. They like to look like big machers, but will take any opportunity to have someone else pay the bill at the ultra-expensive restaurant they suggested. They're also greedy, following every possible get-rich-quick scheme and crying when they don't become incredibly rich. Bernie Madoff is a doucheberg. So were Goldman and Sachs.

Douchebergs make fun of everything. They like to gossip and they like to make others feel bad about themselves. Schadenfreude is the only German word they love. Howard Stern is a doucheberg. So is Chelsea Handler. So is your humble narrator Iron Mike.

Douchebergs are extremely racist, but can get away with it because their ancestors were oppressed. Douchebergs are extra-sensitive about Holocaust jokes. Douchebergs play the race card wherever they can (she won't go out with me because I'm Jewish, they indicted me because I'm Jewish).

Douchebergs usually consider themselves liberal. They love the environment and Africa and the gays. However, if there's a sale at Loehman's, they'll gladly ditch any fundraiser or protest.

Douchebergs claim to be Zionists even though we all know everyone, especially Jews, hates Israelis. They'll instantly forsake you if you don't give money to Israel or vote for a politician that "isn't good to Israel".

Douchebergs follow every trend. It's no coincidence that the hipster epicenter of the US, Williamsburg, is located in Brooklyn, the Jew epicenter of the US. Douchebergs are always telling you what to do - you should listen to this band, you should go to my doctor, you should wear a sweater.

Douchebergs make a big deal when someone famous mentioned is Jewish. They also think David Letterman and Bruce Springsteen are Jewish. Douchebergs quote Seinfeld too much.

Douchebergs use Yiddish even in the company of people that don't know Yiddish. Douchebergs think Christians look up to them. Douchebergs seriously believe that they are "the chosen people".

Yes, the Doucheberg is a unique species of the Semitic genus. According to census figures, they're very rare. Somehow though, they're everywhere. Wherever there's a joke to be made at somebody's expense, wherever there's a lawsuit to be filed on frivolous grounds, wherever there's a buck to be earned, and wherever there's a good time to be ruined, a Doucheberg will be there. They've been around for 5771 years and it doesn't look like they're going anywhere soon. So shush!

1 comment:

candye kane said...

well, im a shiksa who become jewish and i was a porn star and am pretty good in bed so i am out to singlehandedly prove that jewish broads can be wicked good in the sack. so there.