Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Douchebergs

To the uninitiated, it may seem as if all Jews are the same - big nosed and curly-haired, loud and cheap, short in stature and round in shape, horned and dangerous.

In reality though, there are all sorts of Jews. You got your Sephardics and your Ashkenazis. You got your Hasids and your Yahwehs. You got Jews for Jesus (but strangely no Christians for the Jew God). You got the East Coast Jews, you got the West coast Jews. You got the Israelis, you got the Jewbans. got the Douchebergs.

What, you may ask, is a Doucheberg? Well, it's a particular type of Jew, usually found in large American cities, that outwardly embodies the commonly known negative Jewish stereotypes. They are to Hebrews what the Jersey Shore Guidos are to Italians. Quite simply, they're Jewish douchebags.

Before you say I'm the pot calling the kettle kosher, I should acknowledge that I definitely have Doucheberg tendencies. Most of us do. Still, a full-on Doucheberg goes far beyond just complaining all the time and fearing all which is goyish.

Douchebergs are both male and female. Oftentimes, they come from privileged homes, but haven't done anything to earn their privileged status since being born. Other times though, they're middle class, but they do everything they can to act like they're not.

Douchebergs went to Doucheberg colleges (Brandeis, BU, Wisconsin, Michigan, Emory, Miami, etc.), where they were in Doucheberg frats and sororities like Sammy and AEPhi and ZBT and STD [sic]. They proudly play Jewish geography with anyone who will play, like a dog with his new toy.

Douchebergs claim to be very religious. However, they only really practice for business or social purposes. They're like Catholics that go to church just for the wafers and repression. Douchebergs brag about taking off work for the Jewish holidays. They claim to love the Jewish holidays, then kvetch while they're celebrating them (it's too cold in the sukkah, this matzah's stale). Douchebergs shush people at temple. Actually, Douchebergs shush people everywhere.

Doucheberg girls usually have fat asses and no style, but they think they're better looking than skinny, stylish shiksas. They hate shiksas and do everything in their power to orchestrate their demise. Patti Stanger is a Doucheberg. So are the majority of The Real Housewives of New York.

Doucheberg girls are often boring, but think they're interesting or funny. There's a common myth that Jewish women are good in bed. Believe me, I'm the Wilt Chamberlain of Jew-bangers, Doucheberg girls are as boring in bed as they are at the dinner table. And no matter how successful a guy is, they'll shun him if he isn't a lawyer or a doctor.

Doucheberg guys are short, but they think they're tough because they've seen one too many mobster movies. They think that because they look Italian, they are Italian. They're not. Morrie the Wig Salesman from Good Fellas is a Doucheberg. So is Hyman Roth from The Godfather.

Doucheberg guys obsess over stupid shit - filmmaking, comic books, Phish, DMB, reggae, hip-hop (the curls do not make you black), etc. Brett Ratner is a Doucheberg. So is Matisyahu. So is Rick Rubin. Doucheberg guys love pot, which would explain the sudden influx of Doucheberg entrepreneurs in Denver since the sale of medical marijuana has been legalized.

True to form, Douchebergs are cheap. They like to look like big machers, but will take any opportunity to have someone else pay the bill at the ultra-expensive restaurant they suggested. They're also greedy, following every possible get-rich-quick scheme and crying when they don't become incredibly rich. Bernie Madoff is a doucheberg. So were Goldman and Sachs.

Douchebergs make fun of everything. They like to gossip and they like to make others feel bad about themselves. Schadenfreude is the only German word they love. Howard Stern is a doucheberg. So is Chelsea Handler. So is your humble narrator Iron Mike.

Douchebergs are extremely racist, but can get away with it because their ancestors were oppressed. Douchebergs are extra-sensitive about Holocaust jokes. Douchebergs play the race card wherever they can (she won't go out with me because I'm Jewish, they indicted me because I'm Jewish).

Douchebergs usually consider themselves liberal. They love the environment and Africa and the gays. However, if there's a sale at Loehman's, they'll gladly ditch any fundraiser or protest.

Douchebergs claim to be Zionists even though we all know everyone, especially Jews, hates Israelis. They'll instantly forsake you if you don't give money to Israel or vote for a politician that "isn't good to Israel".

Douchebergs follow every trend. It's no coincidence that the hipster epicenter of the US, Williamsburg, is located in Brooklyn, the Jew epicenter of the US. Douchebergs are always telling you what to do - you should listen to this band, you should go to my doctor, you should wear a sweater.

Douchebergs make a big deal when someone famous mentioned is Jewish. They also think David Letterman and Bruce Springsteen are Jewish. Douchebergs quote Seinfeld too much.

Douchebergs use Yiddish even in the company of people that don't know Yiddish. Douchebergs think Christians look up to them. Douchebergs seriously believe that they are "the chosen people".

Yes, the Doucheberg is a unique species of the Semitic genus. According to census figures, they're very rare. Somehow though, they're everywhere. Wherever there's a joke to be made at somebody's expense, wherever there's a lawsuit to be filed on frivolous grounds, wherever there's a buck to be earned, and wherever there's a good time to be ruined, a Doucheberg will be there. They've been around for 5771 years and it doesn't look like they're going anywhere soon. So shush!


volupta said...

well, im a shiksa who become jewish and i was a porn star and am pretty good in bed so i am out to singlehandedly prove that jewish broads can be wicked good in the sack. so there.

Santos khafilla said...

Thanks for sharing your information, its great and i appreciated about it!

foto ngentot | artis bugil | bokep barat

Unknown said...

Artikel ini sangat bagus loh guys .. silahkan di read yah

Helmut Dempewolf said...

I was suggested this web site by means of my cousin. I am no longer positive whether this submit is written by means of him as no one else realize such certain about my difficulty. You are wonderful! Thank you! paypal account login

Master Seo said...

The Best Recommendation Sites In The Region Of Indonesia Just Here:
Situs Poker Online
Situs Judi Online
Poker Online Resmi
Situs Poker Online Terpercaya
Situs Poker
Resto Poker
Keyword Poker
Situs Judi Poker Online
Agen Judi Casino Online

agen poker said...

This is a very good post. Just wonderful. Truly, I am amazed at what informative things you've told us today. Thanks a million for that.

nawan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nawan said...

Konfirmasi Selalu Rekening Deposit Kami Bosku.

Siap 24 Jam Nonstop Membantu Bosku.
Silakan Chat ya Bos..

* Next Deposit 10% Tiap Hari, situs judi slot online terpercaya
* Bandar Poker, BandarQ, situs poker online terpercaya- PKV

* Situs Judi Slot Terbaru,situs judi slot terbaru

* Jackpot Super6, Agen Poker Terpercaya - IDN
* Super Jackpot, Bandar Ceme Online situs poker online indonesia - IDN


Semoga Hari Anda Menyenangkan Bosku..

freya maya said...

한국 대표 먹튀검증사이트 다음드 추천 안전공원 메이저놀이터 배팅사이트 최고의 검증사이트인 다음드에서 인정한 안전공원을 만나실 수 있는 챤스가 여러분에게 주어집니다 지금 확인하실 수 있습니다 다음드 강력 추천 안전공원들입니다 메이저놀이터들입니다

freya maya said...

We help people get $5000 loan online. Unsecured personal loans that can be approved today and you could have the money as soon as tomorrow. Safe and convenient with monthly installment payments. Get a 5000 dollar loan now!

Unknown said...

"Hire an IT Department Starting at $99/month

Text or Call us at (888) 778-9532

Our Website:

Build your business with a dedicated IT team to help manage, grow, and secure your company.

How Does Rootpal Work?

Rootpal gives you a dedicated IT team that helps you set up your business computers, servers, website, SEO and much more.

Every business small or large needs an IT team

Every business needs guidance on how to grow their IT infrastructure and we're your solution to making it all come together.

The Rootpal Services

Here are just a few of the services that we provide and assist with setting up for your business at Rootpal.

Unlimited Remote Support
Virus & Malware Protection
Backup & Disaster Recovery
managed IT support
Web & Hosting Solutions
Business Email
SEO & Backlink Building
Server Setup & Maintenance
Remote Monitoring

Increase your business revenue through IT

Rootpal increases your business growth by increasing your business's tech through our services.