Wednesday, October 20, 2010

All Hallows' Sleeve

Ladies and gentlemen of the Halloween costume-wearing class of 2010...

Do not dress as Snooki or The Situation.

If I could offer you only one tip for this upcoming holiday, avoiding Jersey Shore garb would be it.

Like St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo, Flag Day, and Yom Kippur, Halloween is one of those occasions that brings together humanity for the sole purpose of getting wasted and acting stupid. It's the perfect American tradition (with Celtic origins), which is beloved by all. The only thing that can ruin Halloween is wearing a lame costume.

Now, the lamest costume of all is not wearing a costume. If you don't wear a costume, you'll severely limit your chances of getting laid on a night where your chances of getting laid are pretty damn high. To avoid that fate however, you DO NOT have to dress like Ms. Polizzi or Mr. Sorrentino. You do not have to dress like Lady Gaga either.

Instead, you could wear something that won't render you completely unoriginal. You could wear something awesome, but not overdone. You could wear something clever, but not erudite. You could wear something that won't tell the world that you're a boring lemming incapable of putting together a worthwhile disguise for the purpose of impressing drunken members of the opposite sex. You could wear something not lame.

I know girls like to go slutty on Halloween. Hey, I like when girls go slutty on Halloween. Just don't be cliche (Slutty Nurse, Slutty Cop, Kim Kardashian, etc.). Do something more cerebral - Slutty Pelosi, Slutty Muslim, Slutty Susan Boyle. You'll be a thinking man's ho!

Guys seem to enjoy dressing like characters from "funny" movies and TV shows. Anything from any Will Ferrel movie sucks. Same goes for any character played by Ben Stiller, especially Zoolander or Chas Tenenbaum. And sadly, The Big Lebowski is no longer cool.

We're gonna see lots of Kenny Powerses this year. All that says is that you're a douchebag, and you have HBO. If I see anybody dressed as the Dick in a Box guys, I'm gonna put my dick in their box (not even sure what that means).

Also, don't dress as Borat or anything Sacha Baron-Cohen-related (with the exception of an estimation of what he'll look like in the upcoming Freddie Mercury biopic). You might as well dress as Napoleon Dynamite.

If you're older than 15, don't be a character from Twilight. At least try True Blood. Really though, this Vampire thing is getting pretty stale. Can't we move on to other monsters, like mummies or evil leprechauns?

Dressing as the main characters on Mad Men is also played out. However, Mad Men's black characters are hip as hell. Be Carla, the recently ousted maid or Hollis, the building's black elevator operator.

A big copout is to throw on some sort of jersey and be a sports figure. Don't wear a sports-themed costume - unless however, you want to do Tim Tebow, with a bench permanently attached to his ass. Or, unless you want to do Lebron James, with Dwyane Wade's mouth attached to his ass. Speaking of things attached to asses, The Human Centipede is a great costume.

Your costume should be shocking, but not too shocking. Instead of dressing as Hitler, dress as Prince Harry as Hitler. Or, try Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, without the beard!

You can also be Rick Sanchez, wearing a KKK hood adorned with the colors of the Cuban flag. Or, you can do Brett Favre, stubble dyed white and dick pics on your phone. Or, go as Miley Cyrus, slipping a nip.

If you're a gay man, don't do Cher or Liza Minelli. Do that Steve Slater guy from Jet Blue. Another option - Chilean Miner (it's timely and it's chock full o' homoerotic possibilities). If you're a lesbian, don't go as anything other than Justin Bieber.

If you're bald, be Larry David. If you're black, be Urkel. If you're Asian, be Kim Jong-Il, not Mr. Chow from The Hangover. A Hangover character is almost as bad as a character from a Will Ferrell movie.

If you're old, don't be Betty White. Be the rotting corpse of that old lady from Titanic that just died at 100.

Do not even think of going as Christine O'Donnell. That's this year's Sarah Palin, which wasn't funny two years ago and really wasn't funny last year. You'd be better off going as Rosie O'Donnell. And on another note, anything tea bag-related is only cool if there are references to its eponymous sex act.

If you can't find a good costume, wear something really generic, but make sure it's unexpected and inexplicable. Me, I'm going to be a taco. Why, you may ask? Exactly!

Whatever you do, just don't dress as Snooki or The Situation. If you do, rest assured that you'll have a short Jew dressed as a taco attached to your ass making fun of you all night. Happy All Hallows' Eve!

1 comment:

Unknown said...