Monday, August 23, 2010


As a Jew, I grew up fearing Germans, Germany, German Chocolate Cake, and Germs. Yes, the Germans were responsible for nearly destroying my race. That was a long time ago, though. One would assume that nearly 70 years later, these racist killers had changed their ways. Not me. I've always had the notion that Germany is still filled with Nazis that hate me because it says in some antiquated book that my people were chosen.

It's like the inverse of that scene in the beginning of Inglourious Basterds, where Colonel Hans Landa explains his disdain for Jews by comparing them to rats. I never saw a German kill a Jew, but still, I feared them. To overcome this festering fear, I decided to visit Germany.

Boarding my flight to Frankfurt, I hoped that when I landed, I wouldn't end up in a gas chamber. Nothing could be further from the truth. Once in Frankfurt, my first stop, of course, was at a hot dog stand, where I ordered a frankfurter. The vendor, who strangely didn't have a toothbrush mustache, explained that in modern-day Germany, it is a crime to deny the Holocaust or speak negatively about Jews. Also, contemporary Germans see the Holocaust as an embarrassing blight on their collective history, much like white Americans see slavery. Subsequently, my meat dispensing friend continued, Germans go out of their way to be extra nice to Jews. Wow - talk about shattering preconceived notions!

Reluctantly relieved, I removed from around my neck the crucifix I had put on before leaving the U.S. so I could deny my Hebraic background if things got extra heated. Then, I headed to my hotel. I expected it to look like Auschwitz or Dachau. Actually, it looked like a Ramada. And there were no genetic experiments going on there. They even had food. I was pleased.

The next couple of days were spent roaming the streets of Frankfurt meeting the locals. It seemed that the hot dog vendor was right. I was treated like gold. The only words I knew in German were "mein" and "kampf". That was OK, my hosts spoke English. When they asked why I was in Frankfurt, I answered, "I wanted to see where my ancestors were brutally murdered." They responded matter-of-factly without an iota of sarcasm, "Yes, many Jews come for the very same reason. I hope you find what you're looking for." It was almost as if they thought I was going to rat them out for their deep seated anti-semitism. I liked that!

The bars of Frankfurt were fantastic. They had Manischevitz on tap and Gefilte Fish Martinis. For Jews, the first shot was free. The German ladies loved me. I was like an African-American football star in a Southern redneck town. I had my pick of "white" girls. On the off chance that I was rejected, all I had to do was loudly scream, "Genocide!" and she would quickly succumb to my advances.

I was digging this new Germany, where SS now stands for Surprisingly Sweet.

Next stop was Hamburg, a delightful sea-side town that once played host to the Beatles and was also home to numerous ravenous Jew haters. Not anymore - The Fab Four and the Nazi sympathizers were nowhere to be found. Y'now what was to be found? Hamburgers! I must say, they were every bit as delicious as I had hoped.

My home base was in The Reeperbahn, Hamburg's red light district. It was clear that they too had made some changes to accommodate the recent influx of Hebes. The strip bars and fetish clubs had special Jewish sections, with hairy, big-nosed, chubby women that whine instead of moan. Ecstasy! They even had a discount whore house, called Geizhals which, translated to English, literally means The Miser.

Elsewhere in Hamburg, I visited Miniatur Wunderland, the finest miniature museum in all of Hamburg. If you can believe it, they had miniature temples and miniature bagel shops in the miniature towns, and not a swastika in sight. On the U-Bahn, I got off at an area called Schlump, which is the plum capital of Hamburg. Serendipitously, they happened to be holding the Annual Schlump Parade of Plums AND I was made grand marshal!!

Before leaving Hamburg, I had a few drinks at Meyer Lansky's Bar, named after the second most famous Jewish-American mobster, who also happened to be the prototype for Hyman Roth in The Godfather. They don't even have a bar named after Meyer in New York or Miami, where the guy actually lived.

Germany just kept getting better.

Next stop was Berlin. Sadly, I couldn't find a food named after the city. The official foods of Berlin are Currywurst and Doner. I didn't care for either, but I did like saying doner because it rhymed with boner. Luckily, the markets were filled with Jew-friendly foods like whitefish and lox. They even had pork-free schnitzel and challah pretzels.

Berlin was welcoming. I could wear what I wanted. No need for a yellow Star of David on my shirt. At The Berlin Wall, I davened in plain sight and nobody shot at me. There was a tattoo parlor in Alexanderplatz, where they etched pictures instead of numbers. There was a tallis store in Potsdamer Platz. At night, I partied in a bombed out building called Kunsthaus Tacheles, which was now an art complex/nightclub. By instinct, I felt the need to hide in the attic. Instead, I danced like a Sprocket. Later, I got up on the stage and sang the Hora. Who was gonna tell me not to?

The more I became acclimated, the more I realized that the pro-semitism in Germany was for real. The only time I heard a negative comment about a Jew was when I, myself, made fun of a nebby Hasid for wearing a yarmulke at a bar. I actually got yelled a German!

The only Germans that didn't kiss my ass were the German Jews. My grandmother had always told me that German Jews looked down upon Russian Jews because they thought they were trashy. I am kind of trashy. And, I did make fun of them for wearing yarmulkes at bars.

Sadly, my trip came to an end. I didn't want to go home. Why would I? In America, I get no special treatment whatsoever for being a Yid. Overall, I more than accomplished my goal of overcoming my fear of Germans.

I assume some people will be offended by my liberal use of Holocaust references in this piece. That's not my intention. What the Germans did during World War II was horrible. If 10 million of my people hadn't been killed back then, our world would be a much better place. We'd have more lawyers and doctors and entertainers. Plus, I'd have an easier time finding a Jewess to bear my children in Denver.

I'm definitely not trying to make light of what was truly a tragedy. All that Nazi bullshit did happen a long time ago though. Germans are really nice now. Who cares if they're forced to be? Forced niceness is a real luxury. The Jews never really got reparations for The Holocaust. Our reparations can be the wonderful times we'll have visiting the country that almost caused our demise. Guten tag!

1 comment:

Unknown said...

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