I'm Goin' Hungry

Seriously, I'm fucking starving! It's not that I can't afford food and it's not that I don't like eating food. It's just that, living Denver, there's nothing to eat. Growing up in Miami, I was privy to fresh seafood, authentic Cuban food, and just about anything that could be transplanted from New York. When I lived in New York, it was New York - the cooks there shit deliciousness from their asses. Now, I live in Denver, which is to gastronomy what Fargo is to flood preparation. I know Denver's a cow town, but in a cow town, you'd at least expect a decent burger. Sadly, the burgers here make veggie burgers seem good.

The best Chinese food in Denver is Italian food with MSG. The best Italian food in Denver is Chinese food with meatballs. The best Sushi in Denver is a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish ordered rare. The best seafood in Denver is a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish. There's a Mexican joint on every corner, but strangely, none of them are better than our beloved Casa Bonita, which is known as much for its scantily clad male cliff divers as it is for giving diners severe diarrhea.

Recently, Denver's become home to numerous "gourmet" restaurants. Fine dining in a cow town is like a fat girl in a tight prom dress, it just doesn't fit. We are not Chicago or San Francisco or even Detroit. Anthony Bourdain doesn't know we exist. Stop opening restaurants that only serve beets and figs and foie gras. Who likes that shit anyway? If I'm gonna eat crap I don't like, I don't want to pay an exorbitant surcharge just because they put creme fraiche on top of it.

Fuck the bistros and the eateries and the gastropubs! What the hell happened to good ol' diners? I'll tell you what happened - SYSCO! No, not Cisco, the networking products company (although their routers are pretty tasty). Sysco, the food distributor, which supplies pre-made products to every diner in Denver. Unfortunately, everything they supply tastes like ass, especially their french fries. How hard is it to make good french fries? Apparently, harder than you'd think. If you see a Sysco truck in front of a restaurant, know that your fries will taste like lint-covered toes.

I can't even go to the chain restaurants. The best of them, Bennigan's was shut down because of the economy. I blame Bush! Benihana's doesn't taste nearly as good as it did when I was 12 and it makes you smell like you slept with an Asian hooker. I've worked at The Outback and I know what they make their steaks out of and I WILL NOT eat steaks at The Outback. Yes, Red Lobster rules, but for some reason, they only exist in remote suburbs, which I stay away from. Fast food isn't an option either. It hangs in my stomach for weeks, leaving me so gassy and bloated that I feel both pregnant and menopausal at the same time.

What the hell should I do to get my sustenance? Eat in?

Until I started watching Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen and Ace of Cakes, I didn't know where to cook Stove Top Stuffing and I didn't know how long to cook Minute Rice. Now, I'm a regular Emeril Lagasse, minus the ability to make things tasty. I say "Bam!" whenever I do anything in the kitchen and hope it will be magically delicious. It's not.

Everything I cook tastes like a rancorous blend of garlic, soy sauce, and spoiled mayonnaise, even eggs and sandwiches and egg sandwiches. I burn Ramen noodles and I freeze Cobb salads. I undercook chicken and I overcook soup. My barbecue skills are sub-par for a straight man - all char, no grill. If you like carcinogens on your brats, I'm your man. I'm such a bad cook, my dog won't even eat my food. She orders take-out!

So, eating out or eating in are not options. If I don't get a decent meal, I might wither down to nothing. Should I move to a city with better food? Should I get hooked up to an intravenous feeding machine? I don't know. All I know is that I'm fucking hungry. Help!