Monday, February 9, 2009

Arguments in Favor of Obesity

Have you ever seen an overweight guy smiling and laughing, making you wonder why he's so happy? He is, after all, fat. Being fat sucks, right? In our society, that's the common misconception. However, in reality, it's not necessarily so. All we hear about in the press is how bad obesity is. Well, I'm here to argue that obesity is actually good.

If you're fat, you don't have to diet. In fact, you can eat whatever the hell you want. Steaks and sundaes and bacon and twinkies and mac and cheese and pudding. Go for it! What's the worst that'll happen? You'll get fatter? No one will notice. At the same time, if by some stroke of divine intervention, you lose weight, everyone will notice, and they'll make a big deal about it. Even if you only lose a few pounds, people will gush about how good you look.

Also, when you're heavy, you don't have to worry about buying nice clothes or taking care of yourself physically. Shit, you're fat no matter what you do. You don't have to go to the gym. You don't have to shop at expensive boutiques. You don't have to go to upscale salons. You don't have to brush your teeth. You don't have to wear deodorant.

Nobody blames you for being a slob. Nobody cares that you smell badly. Nobody ever tells you you look like shit. Nobody ever says you're putting on a few "el bees". That would be redundant. Nobody is jealous of you. Nobody hates on you. Nobody fucks with your game.

Then, there's love. If you're fat and you come across a chubby chaser, you're even hotter to them than a traditionally good looking person. And, if you're a chubby chaser and you're fat, life is great. Take your pick of the portly. Regardless, once you settle down, you'll know that your mate loves you for you, because it's definitely not your looks. That is, unless you have money. Then, at least you'll know you're being used and you can plan accordingly.

Because you were probably picked on as a child, you've grown some thick skin (literally and figuratively). After being called Tubby and Dumptruck and being compared to aircrafts and zoo animals, you've learned to be easygoing and to have a sunny disposition. Plus, if you're a guy, you've learned to kick some ass and if you're a girl, you've learned to give good head.

Famous fattys always have a blissful je ne se quois. Chris Farley, Artie Lange, Roseanne Barr, Kirstie Alley - they're all flabby and funny. Santa Claus defines jolly. Grimace puts a delightful purple face on our Big Macs and McNuggets. Michael Moore's the snarky voice of a generation. Oprah's Oprah. None of them seem to be sweating it (except Farley, he's dead).

Even if you're morbidly obese like Darlene Cates, the mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, life ain't too bad. You get all sorts of perks. You get upgraded to first class on airplanes. You get to sit in handicapped seating at the movie theater. If you'd like, you could live in a bed and get served, like royalty. Or, you could ride around town in a wheelchair/moped thingy. Man, I want one of those so bad!

Nobody should purge or starve or get their stomach stapled or undergo gastric bypass surgery. It's all a waste of time. If anorexics and bulimics would just take a look at the lives of the pudgy and podgy, they'd know that hefty is heavenly. They'd know that being fat is a footloose and fancy free existence of unbridled hedonism and sloppiness.

Unfortunately, I don't have the plump gene. So, no matter how hard I try, I'll never be like Dom DeLuise or Chef Paul Prudhomme (I can never tell those two apart). Oh how I wish I could be. I'd eat and drink and drool and sweat. I wouldn't worry about appearances and I wouldn't stress about upkeep. What a wonderfully full life that would be. I guess I'll just have to settle for sadly admiring the fat and happy. Godspeed, you blubbery whales!

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I had to leave a comment that I have no comment. Utterly speechless...