25 Random Facts

So, there's this 25 Random Facts thing that's overtaken Facebook. Essentially, it's a chain letter, like the early days of the Web or third grade (if you're a girl). Bored housewives and effeminate males and assorted other faceholes make a list of their "innermost" secrets, then they implore all their Facebook friends to read it.

Yeah, it's annoying and it's a waste of time. For the most part, the people who write these lists are the people you care least about. Still, you read and you read. Soon, you discover that everybody's trying to be quirky and clever and trying to show their friends just how great their lives are and how much they love their spouses and kids. Blah, blah, blah. Just what Facebook needs - another way to self-aggrandize.

"Hold on a second," you might be saying, "you're the king of self-aggrandizement with your wacky little blog! Who are you to judge?" I guess you're right. I guess I should play along with the rest of Facebook's narcissists and make one of those lists.

Fine! Twist my arm! Here are 25 Random Facts about Iron Mike. They're all completely and totally 100% true. Enjoy!

1. I once devoured a Filipino child just to prove I could.

2. Believe it or not, I've never used a computer. I dictate my e-mails to my assistant and have her surf the Web and give me a daily report.

3. I was born without a pancreas.

4. I hate Jewish people (myself included), I don't believe in Judaism, and I couldn't give a shit about Israel. Still, I covet my Semitic roots when I need to play the race card.

5. I've pleasured myself while watching Gossip Girl, 90210, AND The View.

6. I've saved every toenail clipping I've ever clipped since I was 15. Sometimes I spread them out on my bed and pretend I have hundreds of little people scratching my back

7. I enjoy taunting the elderly and infirmed.

8. I love my wife and my wife loves me (I think!?), but neither of us feel the need to gush about it in a stupid Facebook chain letter.

9. If it weren't for the Internet, I would be an adult bookstore regular. I'd also probably have several arrests for public masturbation.

10. I do not believe the children are our future.

11. For a while, every time I read about Hamas in the news, I thought they were talking about hummus. So, I thought all the fighting in The Gaza Strip was over chick peas and tahini.

12. I can run the 50 yard dash in 13 seconds. I can do 4 push ups. I can bench press 75 lbs.

13. Like Michael Phelps, I have smoked marijuana. Unlike Michael Phelps, I couldn't give a shit who knows.

14. Black women and lesbians love me.

15. I was a cutter, I had an eating disorder, and I was addicted to cocaine. Wait, that wasn't me. It was Lindsay Lohan.

16. My parents thought I was retarded until I was 4. They began thinking I was retarded again when I was 12, 19, and 33.

17. Over the past three years, my car has been keyed 18 times. I have no idea why.

18. On Top Chef, I think Gail is hotter than Padma. I'm kinda into Jenny on Flippin' Out and I'm strangely attracted to that Millionaire Matchmaker chick. I wouldn't touch Rachel Zoe with Tim Gunn's dick. Yes, I watch Bravo.

19. I'm not opposed to driving drunk, having unprotected sex, or smoking while pregnant.

20. Growing up, I didn't want to be a fireman, a baseball player, or a cowboy. I wanted to be a crooked politician, a doctor that illegally prescribes drugs, or a cell phone salesman.

21. I'm impervious to recessions, natural disasters, and the common cold.

22. I don't really write my blog. It's actually ghost written by a variety of people including Gore Vidal, Bob Woodward, Raul Castro, and Placido Domingo.

23. I have a fantastic perineum!

24. I'm really a very happy person. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm fucking miserable.

25. I've touched my dog in a manner some might deem inappropriate.