Monday, February 9, 2009

Arguments in Favor of Obesity

Have you ever seen an overweight guy smiling and laughing, making you wonder why he's so happy? He is, after all, fat. Being fat sucks, right? In our society, that's the common misconception. However, in reality, it's not necessarily so. All we hear about in the press is how bad obesity is. Well, I'm here to argue that obesity is actually good.

If you're fat, you don't have to diet. In fact, you can eat whatever the hell you want. Steaks and sundaes and bacon and twinkies and mac and cheese and pudding. Go for it! What's the worst that'll happen? You'll get fatter? No one will notice. At the same time, if by some stroke of divine intervention, you lose weight, everyone will notice, and they'll make a big deal about it. Even if you only lose a few pounds, people will gush about how good you look.

Also, when you're heavy, you don't have to worry about buying nice clothes or taking care of yourself physically. Shit, you're fat no matter what you do. You don't have to go to the gym. You don't have to shop at expensive boutiques. You don't have to go to upscale salons. You don't have to brush your teeth. You don't have to wear deodorant.

Nobody blames you for being a slob. Nobody cares that you smell badly. Nobody ever tells you you look like shit. Nobody ever says you're putting on a few "el bees". That would be redundant. Nobody is jealous of you. Nobody hates on you. Nobody fucks with your game.

Then, there's love. If you're fat and you come across a chubby chaser, you're even hotter to them than a traditionally good looking person. And, if you're a chubby chaser and you're fat, life is great. Take your pick of the portly. Regardless, once you settle down, you'll know that your mate loves you for you, because it's definitely not your looks. That is, unless you have money. Then, at least you'll know you're being used and you can plan accordingly.

Because you were probably picked on as a child, you've grown some thick skin (literally and figuratively). After being called Tubby and Dumptruck and being compared to aircrafts and zoo animals, you've learned to be easygoing and to have a sunny disposition. Plus, if you're a guy, you've learned to kick some ass and if you're a girl, you've learned to give good head.

Famous fattys always have a blissful je ne se quois. Chris Farley, Artie Lange, Roseanne Barr, Kirstie Alley - they're all flabby and funny. Santa Claus defines jolly. Grimace puts a delightful purple face on our Big Macs and McNuggets. Michael Moore's the snarky voice of a generation. Oprah's Oprah. None of them seem to be sweating it (except Farley, he's dead).

Even if you're morbidly obese like Darlene Cates, the mother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, life ain't too bad. You get all sorts of perks. You get upgraded to first class on airplanes. You get to sit in handicapped seating at the movie theater. If you'd like, you could live in a bed and get served, like royalty. Or, you could ride around town in a wheelchair/moped thingy. Man, I want one of those so bad!

Nobody should purge or starve or get their stomach stapled or undergo gastric bypass surgery. It's all a waste of time. If anorexics and bulimics would just take a look at the lives of the pudgy and podgy, they'd know that hefty is heavenly. They'd know that being fat is a footloose and fancy free existence of unbridled hedonism and sloppiness.

Unfortunately, I don't have the plump gene. So, no matter how hard I try, I'll never be like Dom DeLuise or Chef Paul Prudhomme (I can never tell those two apart). Oh how I wish I could be. I'd eat and drink and drool and sweat. I wouldn't worry about appearances and I wouldn't stress about upkeep. What a wonderfully full life that would be. I guess I'll just have to settle for sadly admiring the fat and happy. Godspeed, you blubbery whales!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

25 Random Facts

So, there's this 25 Random Facts thing that's overtaken Facebook. Essentially, it's a chain letter, like the early days of the Web or third grade (if you're a girl). Bored housewives and effeminate males and assorted other faceholes make a list of their "innermost" secrets, then they implore all their Facebook friends to read it.

Yeah, it's annoying and it's a waste of time. For the most part, the people who write these lists are the people you care least about. Still, you read and you read. Soon, you discover that everybody's trying to be quirky and clever and trying to show their friends just how great their lives are and how much they love their spouses and kids. Blah, blah, blah. Just what Facebook needs - another way to self-aggrandize.

"Hold on a second," you might be saying, "you're the king of self-aggrandizement with your wacky little blog! Who are you to judge?" I guess you're right. I guess I should play along with the rest of Facebook's narcissists and make one of those lists.

Fine! Twist my arm! Here are 25 Random Facts about Iron Mike. They're all completely and totally 100% true. Enjoy!

1. I once devoured a Filipino child just to prove I could.

2. Believe it or not, I've never used a computer. I dictate my e-mails to my assistant and have her surf the Web and give me a daily report.

3. I was born without a pancreas.

4. I hate Jewish people (myself included), I don't believe in Judaism, and I couldn't give a shit about Israel. Still, I covet my Semitic roots when I need to play the race card.

5. I've pleasured myself while watching Gossip Girl, 90210, AND The View.

6. I've saved every toenail clipping I've ever clipped since I was 15. Sometimes I spread them out on my bed and pretend I have hundreds of little people scratching my back

7. I enjoy taunting the elderly and infirmed.

8. I love my wife and my wife loves me (I think!?), but neither of us feel the need to gush about it in a stupid Facebook chain letter.

9. If it weren't for the Internet, I would be an adult bookstore regular. I'd also probably have several arrests for public masturbation.

10. I do not believe the children are our future.

11. For a while, every time I read about Hamas in the news, I thought they were talking about hummus. So, I thought all the fighting in The Gaza Strip was over chick peas and tahini.

12. I can run the 50 yard dash in 13 seconds. I can do 4 push ups. I can bench press 75 lbs.

13. Like Michael Phelps, I have smoked marijuana. Unlike Michael Phelps, I couldn't give a shit who knows.

14. Black women and lesbians love me.

15. I was a cutter, I had an eating disorder, and I was addicted to cocaine. Wait, that wasn't me. It was Lindsay Lohan.

16. My parents thought I was retarded until I was 4. They began thinking I was retarded again when I was 12, 19, and 33.

17. Over the past three years, my car has been keyed 18 times. I have no idea why.

18. On Top Chef, I think Gail is hotter than Padma. I'm kinda into Jenny on Flippin' Out and I'm strangely attracted to that Millionaire Matchmaker chick. I wouldn't touch Rachel Zoe with Tim Gunn's dick. Yes, I watch Bravo.

19. I'm not opposed to driving drunk, having unprotected sex, or smoking while pregnant.

20. Growing up, I didn't want to be a fireman, a baseball player, or a cowboy. I wanted to be a crooked politician, a doctor that illegally prescribes drugs, or a cell phone salesman.

21. I'm impervious to recessions, natural disasters, and the common cold.

22. I don't really write my blog. It's actually ghost written by a variety of people including Gore Vidal, Bob Woodward, Raul Castro, and Placido Domingo.

23. I have a fantastic perineum!

24. I'm really a very happy person. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm fucking miserable.

25. I've touched my dog in a manner some might deem inappropriate.