Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Mystery Meat- Repost

***I'm still on vacation. Next week, I promise I'll be back with new material. Until then, in honor of the New Year, I've decided to repost one of my most important pieces, Mystery Meat. Enjoy...

It seems like everyday a new creature is discovered that was previously thought to be mythical or nonexistent. A few months ago, some Italians discovered a one-horned roe deer that may actually be a Unicorn. Then, a lady in Texas found roadkill which could possibly be a Chupacabra. Some cops recently filmed a bizarre animal running erratically and it too may be a Chupacabra.

There's also The Montauk Monster. It might be a decomposed dog or it might be a mutant turtle (that might be teenage and a ninja). Either way, it knows The Hamptons is the place to be in the summer. Just today, I saw a picture of what some guys claim to be the remains of a Bigfoot. And there's even a video circulating of an alien that's peeping in on homes right here in Colorado.

A whole science is based around animals that fall outside of contemporary zoological catalogs. It's called Cryptozoology. I used to smoke a potent strain of marijuana called Crypto when I was a kid. I assume most cryptozoologists smoke Crypto as well. I also assume most of these claims are probably hoaxes or viral marketing schemes.

Still, who's to say that some cryptids aren't out there? They have to be loosely based on fact, right? And, mutations do occur, especially with all the shit that's in the air and in the soil and in our food. I know for a fact that aliens exist. One time when I was smoking Crypto, I played Parcheesi with 4 aliens. Maybe I was just stoned. Either way, it's impossible to believe that in the billions of light years of space, our tiny little tract of miles is the only place with life.

So, these mysterious creatures just may be real. If they are, LET'S EAT THOSE FREAKY FUCKERS!

I am so sick of the food we have to eat. Every restaurant has the same menu - grilled salmon, ahi encrusted in something, some kind of really expensive steak, and a pasta with a frozen shellfish or cephalopod. Where is the variety? If I have to eat at another restaurant that has "fusion" or "small plates" in its description, I'm going to vomit in my mouth. If I have to taste another dish slathered in tamarind, rosemary, or cilantro to cover up the bad taste, I'm moving to Darfur. I'm over the slop I'm being served. If I could, I'd go to that place in The Freshman where Marlon Brando and Matthew Broderick eat Komodo Dragons and other enadangered animals. That's just the movies, but these cryptids could be real.

I'd gladly eat Chupacabra. After all that goat sucking, they gotta be filled with succulent goat blood flavor. A Unicorn? Shit, with all the Chinese food I eat, I'm sure I've had a horse or two in my time and I'm sure I liked it. A unicorn can't taste any worse than that. It's probably magically delicious. If there are aliens, I'd cut those little inter-stellar travelers up, season and sear 'em, and have a balls out BBQ. Cannibalism is illegal, but the law says nothing about extraterrestrials. I always thought ET looked tasty.

Even if the these creatures taste horrible, they gotta be better than our fast food. I can say with 100% confidence that The Montauk Monster tastes better than any of the meat at Taco Bell or KFC. At the very least, it's the same meat (that would explain my sharting problems). Carl's Junior? White Castle? I'm sure Bigfoot remains would be a major step up from their rancid burgers. I would rather have a pizza with cheese made from Martian milk than what they serve at Pizza Hut.

And what about the lower profile cryptids? The Kongamato is a reported giant bat-like creature from the border area of Zambia. I'm sure their wings taste better than the wings at Chili's. The Bunyip is a kangaroo-type animal that haunts Australian swamps and causes nocturnal terror by eating people or animals in their vicinity. Now that sounds delectable!

I'd eat mutants too. Look, who the fuck knows what science has been keeping from us all these years. They've been creating and mutating animals since at least the '40's. I assume they've gotten something right. I'm sure these mutant animals don't have Salmonella, can't get Mad Cow, and taste like a little bit of heaven.

So, when you see these crazy animals showing up on the Web. Don't get scared, get hungry. We're on the verge of a whole new movement in food - the freaky shit. The world is going to start chowing on stuff we've never chowed on before. Mystery Meat: It's What's for Dinner!

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