Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Citizens on Patrol

I don't shovel snow. It's not because I'm lazy, well...actually, it is because I'm lazy. But, it's also because I know that the snow will melt or be walked on or both. I figure - why should I screw up my back and waste my precious energy when the problem will take care of myself? So, you can imagine how annoyed I was the morning after Denver's latest snowfall when my doorbell rang and it was a neighbor who complained that I didn't shovel my sidewalk. He went on and on about how it's my responsibility to clear the snow so people can walk by without slipping. Of course, I told him to fuck off.

After work, I came home to find a citation on my door. It was for not shoveling the sidewalk and it sported a hefty fine. Obviously, this asshole ratted me out to Public Works. If I were in the Mafia, he'd be killed. Lucky for him, I'm not in the Mafia. Still, I felt like killing that do-gooder.

Why is it that random people feel the need to police me? Why can't they just leave me alone with my lawlessness and anti-social behavior? Why must they go out of their way to correct me when they feel that I'm wrong? This shit happens to me all the time...

Last weekend, I was blissfully walking my dog to the bagel store for a little nova and schmear. As we crossed Speer Boulevard, a postman driving a postal truck towing a postal truck (redundant, but completely true) screamed out of his window, "You're an idiot!". At first, I thought he was commenting on my mental capacity or possibly my choice of dogs. Then, I realized that I was walking in a crosswalk that wasn't actually a crosswalk. This postman decided to take it upon himself to reprimand me, thus alerting me to the error of my ways. Of course, I told him to fuck off.

Another time, I was driving in my neighborhood and I made a right turn. A dreadlocked lady in an old maroon Saab started honking her horn uncontrollably. I thought I might have gotten a flat or hit an old person. So, I pulled over. The Lilith Fair holdover proceeded to yell at me for not using my turn signal. Sitting in my brand new Mercedes, I told her my signal doesn't work. Then, of course, I told her to fuck off.

I can't get a break. Don't these "good samaritans" have anything better to do with their time than to point out my misdeeds? Yes, I'm an asshole. Yes, I'm a bad driver and a bad walker and a bad neighbor. Yes, I don't have any consideration for anybody other than myself. But, that's my problem. I don't need meshugeneh yentas getting involved. If you ask me, they should mind their own fucking business.

Recently, in front of a hospital, a lady in a wheel chair told me that I couldn't smoke on the hospital's campus. I told her to take her oxygen tank and roll back to bed. Recently, outside of the grocery store, a bum yelled at me for not putting away my shopping cart. I explained that I'm keeping retards and Mexicans employed. He said something nonsensical and asked me for money.

I've been punched for cutting in line at the DMV. I've been hit with a pole for cutting in line at a ski lift. I've been reported for not recycling, for not picking up dog shit, and for not wiping my sweat off the exercise machine. I've had people call the cops when I get into fights, when I drive drunk, and when when I steal from convenience stores. I've had guys tell my wife when I don't wash my hands in the bathroom at the bar. What the hell?

Rules are made to be broken. Only suckers follow rules and I'm no sucker. It's not like I don't know I'm breaking the rules. I just do it because nobody's around that has the authority to bust me. Still, these randoms take it upon themselves to make things right. That ain't right!

I don't report Audi drivers for being the biggest douchebags on the road. I don't chide people for buying Britney Spears's new album and bringing her back into our collective consciousness when we were almost rid of her. I don't attack hippies for not wearing deodorant and forcing me to inhale their rancorous scent. I don't correct Born Again Christians when they claim that Jesus is our savior. No, I just let everybody be, whether I agree with them or not.

There's a classic scene in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles where John Candy is driving the wrong way down a one way street. A driver on the other side of the road tries to flag him down shouting, "You're going the wrong way!" Candy's character dismisses him by saying, "How would he know where we're going!?" That's how I feel.

Nobody knows my intentions. Yes, they're usually inconsiderate and wrong and illegal. However, they're my intentions. I don't need to be corrected or chastised or reported. I just need to be ignored. The next time you see me doing something you don't approve of, just let me go the wrong way. And of course, fuck off!

No comments: