In case you haven't heard, Barack Obama won the presidential election last night (I pride myself on reporting obscure news). It's a very good thing he didn't lose. Given his overriding lead in the polls, there would have been major riots if he would have lost. Shit, I would have rioted, not because I was angry that Obama was robbed, but because I need a new flat screen TV.
Interestingly enough though, there were some riots. At retirement communities and assisted living facilities throughout the Midwest, decrepit white men felt that the election was wrongfully snatched from one of their brothers. They refused to take their medications, they rammed their wheelchairs through windows, and they defecated in the streets. It was scary!
Like many Obama supporters, I was shooting off celebratory bullets from my illegally purchased handgun. It wasn't because I was ecstatic over Barack's victory. It was because I was relieved that this fucking election is finally over. It's been a long, draining race and it's time for things to get back to normal.
It's time to remove the election signs from our front lawns and put back our gnomes and flamingos and old sofas. It's time to peel off our political stickers and once again adorn our cars with witty slogans like, "If this van's a rockin', don't come a knockin'!" and "Honk if you're horny!" and "Jesus is coming, look busy!". It's time end to our donations to campaigns and return to spending money on important things like illicit drugs and prostitution and child support.
Remember what it was like before the election season went into full swing? Nobody gave a shit about politics. Nobody cared about poll results. Nobody knew the difference between Borat and Barack. Nobody watched Saturday Night Live. Nobody lusted after Campbell Brown or Arianna Huffington. Nobody wore rimless eyeglasses. Well, those days are back, baby!
Musicians, actors, and other retards who have no idea about national affairs, but think it's cool to support Obama, can return to being apathetic. D-list Republicans like Stephen Baldwin, John Ratzenberger, Robert Davi, and Andrew Shue can return to to irrelevance. Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright can return to domestic terrorism and America hating.
Extra, Entertainment Tonight, and every other entertainment news show can stop interviewing political figures and get back to reporting on important shit like the results of Paris Hilton's herpes test and The New Kids on the Block's historical reunion. Uninterrupted by weekly debates, we won't miss a single episode of titillating programs like Wife Swap, Are You Smarter Than a Fetus, and Law and Order: WTF. Without the endless barrage of political ads, we'll see more of those horrible Microsoft commercials that try to be as clever as Apple's, but fail miserably and make us all feel very uncomfortable.
For my part, after today, I will never mention anybody with the last name Palin ever again in my blog. Same goes for Joe the Plumber and every other obviously ineffective Republican pawn. Like in the old days, I'll write about significant issues like sharting, urinating, drinking, and being angry.
While I'm happy my candidate won, I'm going to miss having a foil to make fun of. I loved complaining about Bush. He was one funny fucking redneck. McCain and Palin would have given me that same joy.
Ah, but that's a small price to pay.
Now, Republicans will see what it feels like to be helpless, with the fate of their country resting in the hands of a president they didn't vote for. We won't have to be reminded of our inevitable mortality by McCain's corpse-like being. And, we won't have to hear Christian people talk about how refreshing Sarah Palin is. That's change we can believe in!