Iron Mike's Halloween Costume Ideas

Being in a mixed marriage (she's a Catholic and I'm a Jew, which makes us a Cashew), the wife and I don't really celebrate religious holidays. We do however, celebrate nonsensical holidays based on paganism, commercialism, and alcoholism. That's why we wholeheartedly embrace Halloween.

Each year, we transform The Iron Mike Compound into a bacchanalian den of iniquity, where aging revelers can let loose and pretend that they're still able to imbibe like they once could. There are three requirements for attending our frightful fiesta. You must leave all children at home, you must bring top shelf booze (don't think I won't notice), and you must wear a good costume. We're non-negotiable on that last one.

I stand at the front door with three large Mexicans and evaluate the garb of the arriving guests. If I see anything trite or stupid or lame or boring, I'll direct my Vatos to eject the wearer instantly. It's not that I want to be elitist about who attends my party, it's just that I believe that Halloween has become littered with too many uninspired costumes. I'm over chicks dressed as naughty nurses or naughty schoolgirls or naughty nuns. And I'm over dudes dressed as anything related to Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, or any other member of The Frat Pack (and I don't want to see Apatow Crew outfits either).

My guests have got to get creative with their costumes. I realize that reality television and the internets have fried our brains. Still, you can come up with something that doesn't make it look like you're going to a VFW masquerade ball. I'm a master Halloween outfitter. So, I've decided to help out with Iron Mike's Halloween Costume Ideas:

Right now is a great time to go political. The obvious choices would be our beloved Palins - Sarah (stupid frameless glasses, annoying pageant hair, Dress Barn suit, Midwestern accent (even though she's from Alaska?!?)) and Todd (spotty nineties goatee, T-shirt that says "First Dude", Wal-Mart flannel, blank stare, retarded child).

Of course, there are more creative Palin-related costumes. You could be Bristol before she was pregnant (hoochie outfit, sex toys, spread legs, loose morals, unused condoms). You could also be Levi Johnston, the kid who just wanted to get laid and ended up stuck at the RNC against his will (chewing gum, American flag pin, bewildered gaze). You might also try one of the actors in Nailin' Palin, Hustler's newest porn film.

And how about Hockey Mom or Joe Six Pack? I have no idea who these people are, but I hear an awful lot about them. Growing up in Miami, we didn't have hockey. However, I can assume Hockey Mom is probably one of those frigid, god-fearing bitches who drives a Buick, wears Mom Jeans, and hangs out at Hobby Lobby. I can also assume that I HATE Joe Six Pack. In my mind, he's the asshole who drove a Camaro, listened to Stryper, and urinated on me after kicking my ass. Where do Hockey Mom and Joe Six Pack live? You guessed it - Main Street. Bring these two inanimate characters to life and you will be the life of the party.

There are other political options. Do the Obama Black Face thing. Nothing is funnier than being racist about one of the most important African Americans of our time. You could also mock John McCain's age by sporting dementia, Depends, a walker, and an AARP membership card. That'll show those evil Republicans!

Elsewhere, the financial meltdown can provide some excellent ideas -- Lehman Brothers Employee (disheveled suit, useless resume in hand, noose around the neck) or Homeless Mother (five kids, Carl's Jr. uniform, foreclosure notice on $900,000 house) or Sad Guy on Trading Floor (choose from any of these looks).

Then there's pop culture -- Amy Winehouse at 4:00 AM (rotten teeth, hair lice, emaciated frame, crystal meth), OJ Simpson after a few weeks in jail (prison bitch clothing and makeup, bloody anus), Clay Aiken on the prowl (leather chaps, Astroglide, provocative photo of Doogie Howser), Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson performing 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Some other ideas just defy categorization. Click on the links to find out more -- Mayor Mel Kuhn as Smellishis Poon, The 14 Year-Old Sumo Girl, A Man Who Loves Cats, A Monkey Waiter, The Chef From The Cum Omlette Video, The Japanese Toilet Guy, The Repliee R-1 Robot, The Models From This Shampoo Ad.

You get the picture. It's not that hard to come up with a sweet costume. If you use my suggestions or if you come up with something that rivals them, you'll be granted entrance into the Iron Mike Compound. If not, you can just sit home dressed as Borat or Britney Spears or Austin Powers and watch Two and a Half Men or Samantha Who. It's your choice.