Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Urine Nation

I've been cited for public urination more times than I'd like to remember. Once in high school, once at Mardi Gras, once outside of a Dead show, twice behind temple during the High Holy Days, and most recently, on the front lawn of a police station in Denver.

It's not that I like to break the law, it's just that don't like to keep excess urine in my bladder. As a man, it's my god-given right to be able to piss wherever I damn well please. Women have to find a bathroom, they have to wait on long lines, they have to wipe. Men can just whip it out and release.

Obviously, we exercise this power more often when we're drunk, much more often. You see, once we break the proverbial "seal", liquor pushes out our penis excrement at an alarmingly quick rate. Over a 5 hour span of drinking, the average American male pees an average of 17 times (not a scientific statistic). Our inhibitions are lowered to the point where we don't care about being naked in public, we don't worry about germs, and we DO NOT feel like having bladder bloat.

So, we'll piss wherever we can. If we're on line and there are too many people in front of us, we'll pee in the sink. If we can't find the bathroom, we'll go outside. If we can't get outside, we'll go in a bottle or in a glass. Sometimes, we'll just forego those aforementioned options and piss on the floor. My buddy Ron used to randomly pee at every bar he was at, even if the bathroom situation was solid. It was like he was marking his territory. I'm not like Ron, but I do take my share of pee pee liberties while intoxicated.

The ladies definitely get the short end of the stick when it comes to drunken urination. I've seen chicks spend more time on line for the bathroom than in the actual bar. Sometimes, women try to be like men, utilizing the "twat squat" technique. Personally, I'm not a big fan. It's unattractive and it's uncouth. Yes, I could use my boxers as a piss cloth so many times that gallons of pee are ingrained into the fabric, but I don't like when a girl doesn't wipe. That's just me.

Back in my single days of taking drunk girls home from bars, I've had more than one woman piss in my bed. There's really no way to recover from that gracefully. When the pisser would leave, I'd make sure she took her travel toilet (sheets) with her.

I'm not a golden showers guy. I think it's demeaning to women, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. I guess I've engaged in a semi-golden shower once or twice while showering with a woman. When I get in the shower, I uncontrollably squirt. I'm like the fountains at the Bellagio.

One of the biggest urine-related conundrums is waking up with morning wood and having to piss. When guys have a hard-on, their piss receptors are put on hold. It's one of the most difficult things to piss while erect. You have to really concentrate and manipulate your body so you don't get it everywhere. Girls hate when our pee gets everywhere. They also hate when we don't put the seat down. Why? Is it that hard to move the seat? That's their argument, but I challenge women to look at it differently. We're men! We like the seat in the position it was in when we dropped our fluids.

Urinals irk me. There's so much etiquette involved. You're supposed to find a urinal that has at least one urinal between you and another patron. If you don't, you run the risk of landing next to a toilet talker. Bonding or telling jokes at the urinal is NOT cool. If there have to be words said when two men have their penises out next to each other, the rule is - you can only talk about sports or girls. Otherwise, it's gay. At close urinals, you also run the risk of being pissed on (urinal splash). They say it's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on. That is true!

I really don't like seeing or smelling urine. People who take a lot of vitamins have that fluorescent piss that smells like a health food store. Interestingly enough, I'd take vitamin urine over asparagus urine any day. By the way, Asparagus Urine is the name of my next band. I'm beginning to ramble....

I've never laughed so hard that I've pissed my pants, but based on how common that saying is, a lot of people must do it. I'd like to tell a joke that good. I'd actually like to see and smell that urine.

Stop it!

There are so many shitty things about urinating that I'm considering wearing a diaper like that broad who stalked the astronaut. That's some innovative thinking. Either that or I'll continue going about my business as usual and I'll probably have a couple more public urination citations on my record. Could be worse, right?


Anonymous said...

Mr. Churlish himself thinks it's uncouth of a woman to use the "twat squat" when it's necessary. oh iron.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to play the tambourine in Asparagus Urine--- keep me in mind during try-outs.