Nombre Del Número

After all the negative responses to my use of the C-Word to describe Sarah Palin, which by the way, I wholeheartedly stand by (I don't use that word often, but that Jew-hating, book-burning, abortion-banning shrew deserves it), I've decided to forgo politics for a while and focus on something much more pressing - Chad Johnson's name change.

The Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver officially changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco, the incorrect translation of 85, the number on his jersey. If he were doing it right, his new name would be Chad Ochenta y Cinco. However, I'm not going to quibble. I want to commend this man's use of the legal system to assert his individuality. More people should follow his lead and take on names that describe more than just their family lineage.

Chad Johnson could have changed his name to Chad Eighty Five, but he didn't. He opted to use Spanish, even though he's not Hispanic and has no real affinity to the Hispanic people. It's brilliant! Imagine if others did this. Devil worshipers could take on the French translation of 666. Stoners could take on the Japanese translation of 420. Douchebags could take on the Russian translation of 69. It's all possible with Babelfish.

People don't have to limit themselves to numbers. Translations of words work just as well. Britney Spears could be Britney Verrückter Sänger (the German translation for Crazy Singer). Brett Favre could be Brett Dronken Is Geweest (the Dutch translation for Drunk Has-Been). And, John McCain could be John Uomo Anziano Diabolico (the Italian translation for Evil Old Man).

Chad Ocho Cinco has also been on the forefront of child naming. Like the great George Foreman before him, he named each one of his four kids with derivations of Chad - Chad II, Chade, Cha’iel, and, I think, El Chad (the Spanish translation for The Chad). I love people who completely disregard the future happiness of their children in exchange for their own vanity.

The authors of Freakonomics predict that some of the top baby names in 2015 will be McGregor, Keyon, Maeve, and Waverly. They sound like streets, not children. And they're the popular names! This study doesn't even take into consideration the brand babies - Armani, Maserati, Bud Light, Summer's Eve, etc. And what about the crazy names? I've never met a kid named Satan or Chupacabra or Global Warming, but I'm sure somewhere, there are some angry tykes running around with those monikers. Piper, Willow, Bristol, Track, Trig? Could be characters in The Lord of The Rings. More likely, they're numerological Christ references.

I've been helping my friend name her unborn kid. Her last name is Carter so I've suggested: Jimmy (an homage the former president some say is akin to Obama), Lynda (a tribute to the star of Wonder Woman and a thousand infomercials), Coach (commemorating the fabulous Samuel Jackson film), and Martyr (because the kid will be half-Jewish).

The wife and I are thinking about having a baby of our own one of these days. My old business partner had a saying about copy writing - "When in doubt, rhyme or alliterate." With our kid, we'll go with a rhyme. Rellman Gellman if it's a girl (that's roughly translated to Gellman Gellman in Chinese). Bellman Gellman if it's a boy (for his future career, if he's lucky).

Names are like tattoos. For the most part, they represent some stupid thing you're into at a specific time in your life. Then, you're judged on that stupid thing until you get so fed up that you get rid of it, which is a big pain in the ass. I'm changing my name to Microfone Do Ferro, which is Portugese for Iron Mike. Catchy, huh?