Friday, September 26, 2008

The Day The Web Stood Still

Last night, I had the strangest dream. I didn't sail away to China in a little row boat to find ya. No, it was something even worse than Matthew Wilder's one popular song.

In my dream, I awoke as I usually did. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping. I pissed, took the dog out, lit a cigarette, and checked my e-mail on the iPhone. It wasn't retrieving, which wasn't unusual for Apple's piece of shit. So, I went upstairs and checked my e-mail on the computer. Nothing, I figured my Internet must be down. So, I shit and showered and kissed the wife goodbye, assuming all would be wired at the office. It wasn't.

I'm always late to work. So, by the time I got there, everyone already knew what I would soon find out. No Internet there either. Everybody in the building was experiencing the same difficulties. What the hell was going on? Was it a Denver thing?

I pulled out my iPhone to check with my non-mile high friends. The iPhone couldn't make calls. Again, not unusual but, upon checking around the office, nobody's cell phone worked. Weird! It was like a film by M. Night Shyamalanadingdong (or whatever his name is), except this wasn't really, really boring.

I picked up a newspaper for more info. As expected, the newspaper had no current news. I turned on the radio and found that mysteriously, the world had become unwired. No Internet, no cell phones, no e-mail, no texting. No nothing.

Was it terrorism? Aliens? Collapse of the top financial institutions (nah, couldn't happen)? Who knew? What I did know was that this was gonna suck. It would be like 1992. However, in 1992, we weren't yet reliant on the technology. Now, without our tools of simplicity, we would be like the blind without their dogs, the deaf without their braille, and the retards without their drool cups.

For those of you that don't know, I work in the Web development industry. With the world unwired, I had nothing to do at the office. So, I took a walk. It was madness outside. Without ways to communicate online, people were screaming and throwing notes and stringing up tin can phones. Without Facebook and online gambling and gossip blogs, people were bored stiff, pacing back and forth on the streets. Without Mapquest and Google Maps, people were running around in circles like demented senior citizens. And, we'd only been unwired for an hour and a half.

What would happen if this wasn't fixed? Lacking the Web, information would slow to a crawl. It would take us days to find out anything. We'd actually have to read the daily periodicals or watch broadcast television. There would be no Perez Hilton. Scared yet?

Deprived of Wikipedia and other educational sites, we would become dumb and ignorant, mumbling unrecognizable gibberish. With no e-mail or texting, we would be completely uncommunicative. What would we do? Send letters? Use CBs? Ham radio? I think not. We would just become lonely hermits, cut off from humanity.

How about all those awkward and ugly people who use or eHarmony for dating? They ain't hooking up offline! They'll end up as stalkers or sexual predators. And, how will those poor stalkers and sexual predators get off? They'll have to go about their antisocial behavior in public. Not good. And the pedophiles? They'll have to return to the schoolyards or, at the very least, fly to Bangkok.

For us normal perverts, masturbation would take a huge step back. We've become conditioned to jerk off to a huge variety of sick shit at the click of a mouse. Midget golden showers?? BBW TVTS DVDA? Good luck finding that at the adult book store. So long Bang Bus and Milf Hunter and YouPorn! We'd have to get our jollies the old fashioned way - watered down on Cinemax and Playboy. Ouch!

And entertainment? Shit! The only way we'll be able to steal music is to wear a big coat into Best Buy. If we want to find new music, we'll have to listen to the crap on the radio or we'll have to talk to the assholes that work at record stores. Without YouTube, the only people who will become famous will actually have talent. So long Tay Zonday, Renewed Mind Dancers, and Spaghetti Cat. Hello Daniel Day Lewis, Helen Mirren, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Not fun!

Seems like everybody works in technology these days, huh? Not in an unwired world. Everybody would have to go find a new job. But how would they do it? No Monster? No HotJobs? We'd have to pound the pavement with our copies of the want ads in our back pockets. Fuck!

Housewives would have to abandon their eBay stores. Pirates would have to go back to hawking bootlegs in Times Square. Those guys selling Viagra and penis enlargement drugs and genuine rolexes and college degrees via e-mail? They'd be shit out of luck! And Nigerian con artists? The entire continent of Africa would go bankrupt?

Maybe we'd all get jobs at the mall, because there'd be no e-commerce. We'd actually have to leave our houses to shop. We'd have to use travel agents to buy tickets and book hotels. We'd have to use stockbrokers. I'm already getting tired.

What else? We'd have to go to the video store. We'd have to hold up a wet finger to find out the weather. We'd have to invite people to parties with paper invitations instead of Evites. We'd have to use payphones!!!

In my dream, rather nightmare, all of this happened and more. Most psychologists believe that every dream means something. Freud would say I fear losing my penis. Jung would say I fear losing my penis and my mother. I say I fear losing technology.

We've become so accustomed to the advancements that have been made over the past 15 years that we would crumble without them. Luckily, it was only a dream. However, from now on, I won't curse technology when it gives me trouble. I will embrace it like a sacred little shaman. You should too. After all, without technology, you'd have no Iron Mike. 'Nuff said!

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