Friday, September 12, 2008

Bad = Good

Why is our society so afraid of everything that's good? By good, I mean bad - not in an ironic, hip-hop kind of way mind you, but in an unhealthy, vice kind of way. Most of us are the spawn of people who indulged. Our parents smoked and drank, and did drugs - and this was while they were pregnant with us. They ate food high in fat, they never exercised, they had unprotected sex. Now, because of all these ridiculously biased reports, mostly developed to serve the selfish interests of financial concerns, we live in a constant state of fear. Fuck that! I'm here to tell you that we should be living like Mad Men, embracing all which is "bad" and sucking the marrow out of the proverbial bone of life. If we do, our existence will improve and the benefits will far outweigh the "dangers".

Seemingly, the biggest "evil" of them all is smoking. Yes, it may cause cancer and emphysema and heart disease and peripheral vascular disease and infant crib death and multi-drug resistant tuberculosis and leprosy and the plague. BUT, it makes you look cool. It decreases boredom. It gives you an excuse for having bad breath. It covers up the smell of your farts (have you smelled the bars since they outlawed indoor smoking?!?). It tastes pretty nice and it feels really good. Shit! We all know smoking kills, but while you're alive, it's a useful luxury. Light up that Marlboro!

Then, there's drinking. Some people say alcohol causes alcoholism. Maybe that's true or maybe it's not. They also say alcohol causes drunk driving. Could be, but let's not dwell on the negatives. Let's look at the positives of imbibing. Lots of people go to shrinks and take anti-depressants in order to feel good. I'll tell you what'll make you feel really, really good - a stiff drink or two. Are you lonely? Are you afraid of getting close to people? Get drunk - your social fears will be assuaged and you can mingle and grope with reckless abandon. We don't need fancy pharmaceuticals to fix our mental ills. We just need J├Ągermeister, Tanqueray, and Absinthe. We don't need expensive therapists to help us cope with life's little inconveniences. We just need Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Johnnie Walker. Have drink for heaven's sake!

DRUGS. Yes, they're addictive. I'll give you that. However, why do you think they're addictive? Because they're so fucking good! I've never gotten my hands on some sweet coke or crystal meth or heroin, but judging from how many people like those "narcotics", I want some. Look, we only live once. Are we going to deprive ourselves of mood modifying goodness? I don't recommend it. Wanna know the real villains in the War on Drugs? They're the people that promote deprivation. Smoke some dust and huff some duster and do whatever it is they do with Jenkem. Enjoy! Marijuana's not addictive, but for some reason, it's considered bad. Hell, I don't even know why it's considered a drug. Regardless, pot makes fat, lazy, and lame people happy. Pot makes food taste better and television seem funnier. Toke a fatty, my friends!

On to sex - sweet, sweet sex. It was once such a delightful joy. Now, because of diseases and pregnancies and and scandals, it's become such a dangerous endeavor. Lest we forget though, sex is fun. I'm pretty sure it's good for you. It releases endorphins. It makes insecure people feel loved. It relieves stress, unless we're stressing about wearing condoms and taking birth control. Fuck it! Take a risk. Throw caution to the wind. So you get a disease or have a kid. At least you'll never forget the sex you had. Plus, getting a shot of penicillin or having an abortion will give you something to talk about when you're old. If you're not getting sex, jerk off or pay for it. Everybody pleasures themselves. It's pleasurable. As for prostitutes, our leaders are always getting busted for using ladies of the night. We elected them. They're smart people, right? So they must know what they're doing. America's a capitalist society. As far as I know, paying to play is what we do. Let's get banging!

There are other so-called bad things that are good for you:

Overeating? Everyone's up in arms over this "obesity epidemic". Not me. I'm pretty sure fat people are warmer when it's cold. That's a good thing. Also, they say that fat women are better in the sack (they have to try harder, they have more orifices to fill, etc.). Great! Better sex does not suck.

Poor hygiene? I don't think it's a problem. If you have enough dirt on your body, I'm sure you'll be protected from skin cancer. Body odor is the easiest way to weed out people who just want to be around you for your money or power. If you don't shave, your big ugly beard will cover up unsightly lesions and pocks. Not too shabby.

Compulsive gambling, shopping, video gaming, hand washing? Anything compulsive is good. It means people are actually into something. At least they're not lemmings who live in moderation like the rest of the lambs. Repeat and repeat again!

I could go on forever...

Here's my point - don't believe the hype. Bad stuff ain't all that bad. We've become a species of pussies. Science does not tell the whole story. Our vices exist for a reason. If we indulge in them, we'll be fine - just like our parents, our leaders, and our heroes. Now get out there and do something bad!


Anonymous said...

well said iron mike.

Anonymous said...

As the great Oscar Wilde said, "A man without vices, is a man without virtues"

Anonymous said...

To Those of Us Born 1930 - 1979

1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. (Well almost no one)

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside, playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes.

There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat
rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! Wefell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms (not really) and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th
birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked
on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with

Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers problem solvers and inventors problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. If YOU are one of them?

ONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids.

Noboru Watanabe said...

so. this is all fine and good. how do you explain then that in the rain this morning i was on the vespa, barreling down the streets of amsterdam with full fucking rain gear on and the only place where i got even a tinkling wet was my nutsack???

how does that jive with your honkiness mr i-ron mike?

yeah: my shrink told me to keep drinking and smoking as it is the only thing that keeps me from taking out half of the room...that and heavy antidepressants and a bit of the l.o.v.e. style..

but i ramble and wait for 5 pm when the beer fridge at work is opened and i can head outside in the rain and have a cold one and a smoke.

you have been warned.

(btw i drink to make YOU interesting, not to make me happy)

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