Why is our society so afraid of everything that's good? By good, I mean bad - not in an ironic, hip-hop kind of way mind you, but in an unhealthy, vice kind of way. Most of us are the spawn of people who indulged. Our parents smoked and drank, and did drugs - and this was while they were pregnant with us. They ate food high in fat, they never exercised, they had unprotected sex. Now, because of all these ridiculously biased reports, mostly developed to serve the selfish interests of financial concerns, we live in a constant state of fear. Fuck that! I'm here to tell you that we should be living like Mad Men, embracing all which is "bad" and sucking the marrow out of the proverbial bone of life. If we do, our existence will improve and the benefits will far outweigh the "dangers".
Seemingly, the biggest "evil" of them all is smoking. Yes, it may cause cancer and emphysema and heart disease and peripheral vascular disease and infant crib death and multi-drug resistant tuberculosis and leprosy and the plague. BUT, it makes you look cool. It decreases boredom. It gives you an excuse for having bad breath. It covers up the smell of your farts (have you smelled the bars since they outlawed indoor smoking?!?). It tastes pretty nice and it feels really good. Shit! We all know smoking kills, but while you're alive, it's a useful luxury. Light up that Marlboro!
Then, there's drinking. Some people say alcohol causes alcoholism. Maybe that's true or maybe it's not. They also say alcohol causes drunk driving. Could be, but let's not dwell on the negatives. Let's look at the positives of imbibing. Lots of people go to shrinks and take anti-depressants in order to feel good. I'll tell you what'll make you feel really, really good - a stiff drink or two. Are you lonely? Are you afraid of getting close to people? Get drunk - your social fears will be assuaged and you can mingle and grope with reckless abandon. We don't need fancy pharmaceuticals to fix our mental ills. We just need Jägermeister, Tanqueray, and Absinthe. We don't need expensive therapists to help us cope with life's little inconveniences. We just need Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Johnnie Walker. Have drink for heaven's sake!
DRUGS. Yes, they're addictive. I'll give you that. However, why do you think they're addictive? Because they're so fucking good! I've never gotten my hands on some sweet coke or crystal meth or heroin, but judging from how many people like those "narcotics", I want some. Look, we only live once. Are we going to deprive ourselves of mood modifying goodness? I don't recommend it. Wanna know the real villains in the War on Drugs? They're the people that promote deprivation. Smoke some dust and huff some duster and do whatever it is they do with Jenkem. Enjoy! Marijuana's not addictive, but for some reason, it's considered bad. Hell, I don't even know why it's considered a drug. Regardless, pot makes fat, lazy, and lame people happy. Pot makes food taste better and television seem funnier. Toke a fatty, my friends!
On to sex - sweet, sweet sex. It was once such a delightful joy. Now, because of diseases and pregnancies and and scandals, it's become such a dangerous endeavor. Lest we forget though, sex is fun. I'm pretty sure it's good for you. It releases endorphins. It makes insecure people feel loved. It relieves stress, unless we're stressing about wearing condoms and taking birth control. Fuck it! Take a risk. Throw caution to the wind. So you get a disease or have a kid. At least you'll never forget the sex you had. Plus, getting a shot of penicillin or having an abortion will give you something to talk about when you're old. If you're not getting sex, jerk off or pay for it. Everybody pleasures themselves. It's pleasurable. As for prostitutes, our leaders are always getting busted for using ladies of the night. We elected them. They're smart people, right? So they must know what they're doing. America's a capitalist society. As far as I know, paying to play is what we do. Let's get banging!
There are other so-called bad things that are good for you:
Overeating? Everyone's up in arms over this "obesity epidemic". Not me. I'm pretty sure fat people are warmer when it's cold. That's a good thing. Also, they say that fat women are better in the sack (they have to try harder, they have more orifices to fill, etc.). Great! Better sex does not suck.
Poor hygiene? I don't think it's a problem. If you have enough dirt on your body, I'm sure you'll be protected from skin cancer. Body odor is the easiest way to weed out people who just want to be around you for your money or power. If you don't shave, your big ugly beard will cover up unsightly lesions and pocks. Not too shabby.
Compulsive gambling, shopping, video gaming, hand washing? Anything compulsive is good. It means people are actually into something. At least they're not lemmings who live in moderation like the rest of the lambs. Repeat and repeat again!
I could go on forever...
Here's my point - don't believe the hype. Bad stuff ain't all that bad. We've become a species of pussies. Science does not tell the whole story. Our vices exist for a reason. If we indulge in them, we'll be fine - just like our parents, our leaders, and our heroes. Now get out there and do something bad!