Things to Do in Denver When You're Dem

Next week, I'll be surrounded by politicians, lobbyists, celebrities, athletes, CEOs, and other high-profile individuals. No, I won't be going to The Emperor's Club. I'll be home in Denver, where The Democratic National Convention promises to wreak havoc on my life. Traffic and lines and crowds and protests. It's going to be so much fun hosting our lefty politicos. Still, as The Mile High City's de facto ambassador of goodwill, I've decided to compile a list of things people can do while they're here. Who said I'm not a gracious host?

- Enjoy Denver's smog, corruption, and gang crime.
- Refer to Obama as Senator Big Ears.
- Blame your farts on the altitude.
- Pretend you're homeless and get free movie tickets.
- Defend John Edwards by saying, "Shit, she was on chemo. That ain't sexy!"
- Rage against something.
- Wait for Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, and Sean Penn to say something self-righteous.
- Waste electricity, water, and gas at "the greenest convention yet".
- Deny you ever liked Joe Lieberman.
- Dress in black face.
- Tell overzealous delegates not to "get all Columbine on your ass!".
- Try to get Howard Dean to freak out again.
- Visit Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs and see why the convention isn't being held in Colorado Springs.
- Touch Arianna Huffington inappropriately.
- Watch rich people feel good about themselves.
- Be like Ted Haggard and go to The Brown Palace for gay sex and crystal meth.
- Taunt the Secret Service.
- Show up at The Pepsi Center and say you just have to pick up the bra you left at The Jonas Brothers Concert.
- Kiss Oprah's butt.
- Get knee surgery in Eagle.
- Ask what the fuck ever happened to Chandra Levy.
- Be as politically correct as humanly (sorry, homosapienly) possible.
- Liberal upskirts!!!
- Try to bed girls who were in the same class as Jonbenet Ramsey and are now 18.
- Remind everybody that Joe Biden is a habitual plagiarizer.
- Upset the real journalists by treating bloggers like they're real journalists.
- Look for Larry Craig in the men's bathroom at DIA.
- Eat the worst meal of your life at Casa Bonita.
- Make Al Franken shut up and tell some jokes.
- Slip a nipple.
- Go to late night parties and figure out who will become Senate Drunkard once Ted Kennedy dies.
- Pretend you think John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Bill Maher are funny.
- Eat a Jackalope.
- Act like you actually give a shit.

Yes, the DNC will be a major pain in the ass. However, if you follow my suggestions, you might just have a little fun. At least McCain won't be here, right?