Apple is My Hot Hot Sex

Well, I finally gave in and got the iPhone. It didn't glow like the trunk in Repo Man. It didn't smell like Thanksgiving dinner. It didn't jump up and give me a blowjob. Still, it was made by Apple and that was enough to tweak my nipples.

My house looks like an Apple Store. All of our computers are Macs. Our sound system is an Apple Hi-Fi with a Nano, a Shuffle, and a Touch sitting atop of it. Our walls have classic Think Different posters. I wake up to an iHome clock radio. I wear vintage rainbow Apple shirts to the gym (yes, I go to the gym). I've read Steve Jobs's biography. I even have a Newton.

So, last year, when the first iPhone came out, a lot of people thought it was strange that I didn't get one. Hell, I thought it was strange that I didn't get one. Still, I'd been through this with Apple before. They release flawed alpha versions of their products and let the early adopters be their guinea pigs. It happened with AppleTV. It happened with the Airport. It happened with The Mac! I wasn't going to be a guinea pig!

Plus, everybody who got the first iPhone was a total asshole.

You can imagine how much I gloated when there were reports of major phone and e-mail problems with the first iPhone. You can imagine how happy I was when they lowered the price a month after it came out. Then, after all that negative hooplah dissipated, I became a little jealous. Then I became a lot jealous. When I finally decided I'd get one, Apple announced that the iPhone 3G would be coming soon. I decided to wait.

I had the date on my calendar - July 11th. The night before, I had dreams of walking into the Apple Store a mere mortal and walking out a superhuman. Well, when I got to the store, it looked like opening night of a Harry Potter movie. I wasn't going to be a Harry Potter fan! I decided to wait.

Finally, last week, I got a tip on a new shipment at the mall and I scurried over. They had a black 16 gigger with my name on it. I paid my 300 bucks and left with a huge grin. Unfortunately, that grin was short-lived. I touched and I slid and I pushed and I shook. And soon, I missed my Blackberry.

My iPhone doesn't work at my house or in my office or in my car. When it does work, it randomly drops calls. I never know if I'm connected. I say hello all the time, sounding like a deaf old man. Also, my iPhone can barely keep a charge. The e-mail sucks. 3G is slower than a 2400 bps modem. The vibration is a really weak. I get phantom vibrations in my pants, like my body misses the Blackberry.

Am I going to go back to the Blackberry? That would seem logical, but no. I'm going to keep my iPhone. Why? Because I have to. I'm an Apple guy.

There's certain technology I don't like. I never got the the whole HD TV thing. I want my MTV blurred and my bikini models untethered by reality. Bluetooth headsets are like useless pieces of jewelery that say, "I'm a fucking douchebag!" By the way, the less important somebody is, the nicer their headset and the more they wear it. I think Twitter is one of the dumbest uses of the Web since that Subservient Chicken site. And, the only video game I play is Guitar Hero and I think that's actually pretty stupid.

At the same time, I like ALL Apple products, good or bad. If Steve Jobs took a rusty piece of metal and stuck an Apple symbol on it, I'd buy it. If Steve jobs made a commercial with wounded Muslims wailing, I'd listen to their album. If Steve Jobs told me to eat live squirrels, I'd swallow those rodents down and savor the taste. Why? Steve Jobs is the messiah. To us geeks, he's like Michael Jordan in the '90's, Al Pacino in Scarface, or Star Jones on The View.

Everything Steve Jobs touches becomes cool. Shit, he made that kid from Dodgeball cool. Drew Barrymore banged him because Steve Jobs told her to. Steve Jobs made me watch Finding Nemo. Steve Jobs made me listen to The Caesars and The Fratellis AND Coldplay!! Steve Jobs made me get the iPhone.

Eventually, I figured out my iPhone and now I'm into it. I can surf real porn with Safari. I can always find myself with GPS. I have applications that turn the phone into a light saber or a turntable for scratching or a flashlight (seriously, there's an application with just a white screen so you can see in the dark). I can play Sodoku, although I don't know what Sodoku is. And, yes, I can use it as an iPod.

It's actually cool that the phone sucks. When it cuts in and out, I'm always like, "Yeah, I'm on my new iPhone, sorry!" Flaunting my iPhone is fun. All the losers with old iPhones look so sad. They were the early adopters. Now they can't get out of their plan and get the new one. I love that! I enjoy asking people with the old iPhone if they in fact have the old iPhone. They're always so dejected and embarrassed.

Adam and Eve committed The Original Sin by eating an Apple. Then, they were kicked out of Eden. Will we be kicked out of paradise for using Apple products? Probably. But, if Steve Jobs is the devil, then I'll even go to hell.