Friday, July 18, 2008

Rainbows and Unicorns

As you may or may not have noticed, I've been really negative lately. I don't want to be known for just doom and gloom. I want to be a positive influence on the world, like Nelson Mandela or Bret Michaels. So, I'm going to lighten my ass up. Shit - the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, there are only 185 days left until George W. Bush is out office, and Kenji got voted off Greatest American Dog. Life is good!

Today, I'm going to take stock of all the wonderful things that make me happy. Similar to Oprah's Favorite Things without the screaming, overweight, middle-aged women, here's Iron Mike's Favorite Things:

- Cookies.
- Schadenfreude (enjoyment taken from the misfortune of others).
- Imagining Arianna Huffington naked.
- Making fun of people who have the old iPhone for not having the new iPhone.
- Giving wide-eyed children a false sense of optimism.
- Beating up Anti-Semites, then saying, "It's not because I'm Jewish, it's because you're an asshole."
- Masturbation.
- Watching brokers of all kinds squirm through the sub-prime mortgage crisis.
- Walking my dog and not picking up her shit.
- (the reason the Web exists).
- Saying the word "doppelganger".
- Slowing down when my fellow drivers are obviously in a hurry.
- Tales of mass genocide.
- Fucking up the environment so the summer will last longer.
- Adult acne.
- Replacing Christopher Cross lyrics with dirty words.
- Jenkem (that fermented feces drug)
- Indiscriminantly mussing up faux hawks.
- Every person who's ever been on a Real World/RoadRules Challenge.
- Putting senior citizens in their place.
- A&E's Intervention (only when the addicts are female, young, and good looking).
- Referring to someone as a pederast and pretending I misused the term.
- Seeing road bikers fall.
- This video.
- Using the word "schlong" during important meetings.
- Anything pantless.
- Stealing things from the grocery store by putting them on the bottom of the cart.
- Jim Varney.
- Giving panhandlers my leftovers after a particularly bad meal.
- Making lists for no particular reason.
- Imagining my funeral.

That felt great. I think I'm on to something. Positivity is the new black. Yay!

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