Monday, July 7, 2008

Don't Be a Facehole

If you're not on Facebook, you're not going to understand this post. If you are on Facebook, like many students, housewives, programmers, stalkers, pedophiles, and bored losers throughout the world, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Facebook has become infested. Not by a virus. Not by phishers. Not by spam. Something far worse. Facebook has become infested by Faceholes - the people who commit unforgivable faux pas of online etiquette and render the social networking site completely annoying and unbearable.

Faceholes use wacky screen names instead of their real names -- usually something obscure or immature and almost always ironic, showing just how witty and clever they are. They also have wacky profile pictures -- usually a shot with them and somebody famous or a midget or something else that nobody really finds that funny.

Faceholes with children often use pictures of their kids as their profile pictures. This is Facebook not Faceofyourkidbook. We understand you're proud that you're fertile, but save the kid pictures for your wallet or those vanity mousepads you can get made at CafePress.

Faceholes love poking. Poking is sort of like throwing ice at somebody at the bar. It's irritating, it serves no purpose, and it can get your ass kicked (by the way, there's nothing I like better than throwing ice at the bar, but I don't poke). Faceholes also love those poke add-ons that make their pokes extra special - SuperPoke, MagicPoke, SuperIntenseAnalPoke, etc. Faceholes also make scatalogical jokes about poking.

Faceholes invite people to use stupid Facebook apps - FunWall, MobWars, Suckulous, etc. There are thousands of these things and I don't know what any of them do. I do know they're a pain in the ass and they clutter profiles, making them look like MySpace pages.

Faceholes compulsively give status updates 20-30 times a day. When the site asks "What are you doing right now?", you don't have to always provide an answer. Honestly, nobody gives a shit what you're doing right now! And, if you're trying to be funny in your status update, don't. Leave the comedy to professionals like Dave Coulier and Nipsey Russel.

Polite Faceholes follow the mini-feed like it's the Dow Jones stock ticker. If it's your birthday or you got a dog or you have your period, they'll post on your wall or send you a gift or poke you. Leave it alone. We know you care.

Faceholes set up Fan Pages. Nobody cares that you like Ron Paul or Camp Rock or Ann B. Davis or Babar (although, an Iron Mike Fan Page would be sweet - somebody set it up).

Faceholes forward on spam. Faceholes make comments on pictures about how awesome you look. Faceholes post grainy mobile photos and tag you in them. Faceholes invite you to events you have absolutely no intention of intending. Faceholes ask you to support causes you couldn't possibly care about.

Facebook is the de facto place for gaining the acceptance or validation you never received when you were younger. It's there to show your old girlfriends or boyfriends that your life is better than theirs. It's there to show everybody just how loved you are. It's there to help you get laid. It's there to allow you to stalk in a non-confrontational setting. Facebook is wonderful, except for the Faceholes.

Yes, I've committed many a Facehole move in my time, but that doesn't make it right. Like Myspace and Friendster before it, Facebook will eventually have it's comeuppance and we'll all move on to some other site. Until then, stop being a Facehole.


Rachel said...

that reminds me of the picture you MADE me take in mexico--the one of you and that "little person" at the bar.... Ooooh, I wish I would have taken it with my camera instead of yours......

Anonymous said...

LOL!! Thanks Mike... I needed that giggle. I didn't know there was a name for those people... perhaps I'm one of them?! Should I take the hint? :)

Anonymous said...

im guilty of being a facehole, but only twice and it was because i got my "period". Now post a nice, loving comment about me so i feel some level of self worth, and for the love of god please give me my happy pills:)

Anonymous said...

I know it's an old thread, but I just found it today.
I almost started you a fan page, but that wouldn't be right, now would it?